DANIEL DE CULLA

 

 

A Respectable Widow

 

Tired of going to have sex

Behind the Church of San Francisco el Grande

In Madrid, the capital

Or in the El Batán area, in the Casa de Campo park

My friend brought me a clipped ad

From a Madrid newspaper, Dating Section

It reads:

“Respectable widow with three flamenco dancers

In need of a dancer to teach them.

Call this number during office hours.”

Since it caught our attention

We called from a public phone booth.

We arranged to meet at 5:30 this afternoon, Thursday

Which is the day that soldiers serving their country

Go out to dance or have fun at dances

Or in parks like El Retiro, mainly.

We went to a building in the Diego de León area

Ranged the doorbell on the first floor.

The respectable widow answered

All dressed in gray.

She led us into a living-dining room.

She made us sit on a two-seater sofa

Near a small table

On which rested one of my books—what a surprise!

Title: “The Posh Girl and the Posh Guy”

Which, she told us

She bought last Sunday at the flea market

(El Rastro).

I didn't say anything.

With her, seated in a beautiful mahogany chair

We agreed on the price:

€30 for a quarter of an hour

 €50 for half an hour.

I gave her the thirty, my friend the fifty.

She clapped her hands three times loudly

And at once appeared

Three very slender flamenco birds

Who were her daughters

Masked from the waist up.

From the waist down, they wore thongs

Yellow, red, and purple.

The three of them

When they removed their masks

Were very beautiful and pretty

With prominent breasts

That had undergone cosmetic surgery.

The first one is named Filomena

The second, Timotea

And the third, Segismunda.

They all asked us at once

How we had our little dancer or soldier.

They said they were having sex with flamenco masks

We were choosing

At our whim, the hole where to put it.

We answered that we had a dancer

Healthier and more dance-like than Antonio "the Dancer"

Flamenco dancer, choreographer, and artistic director.

We already flipped a coin

For Segismunda and Timotea

Because Filomena had her period.

I got Timotea

My friend got Segismunda.

The honorable widow took us

To two different bedrooms

We already had our dicks out, erect

Freshly washed by the widow.

When it came to sex, it was amazing.

Damn, a flamenco dancer!

Since we were both hard from the enema

I came on her vaginal lips

Begging her to let me in her arsehole

Feeling a new erection.

-Don't deny me, Timotea

Or I'll fuck your mother.

-If you want to fuck me in the arsehole

You have to leave another fifty euros on the nightstand

Because you've already come

And time has passed.

I went to my wallet, took out fifty euros

Leaving them on the nightstand.

I fucked her so hard and panting from behind

That I snapped the flamenco dancer's neck

Her mother had to come

When she heard her screams of pain

Because, at the moment of ejaculation,

I was trying to bite off

Her ears.

I should mention that the honorable widow arrived

Wearing a gray flamenco mask

And black panties.

-Daniel de Culla

 

IN A SAUNA WITH BUDDHAS

With the idea of visiting the Valporquero cave

North of the province of León

In the heart of the Leonese mountains

Next to the village of Valporquero de Torío

I started looking for mushrooms

Throughout the municipality of Vegacervera.

I don't know them or identify them

Nor do I know which ones are poisonous

Inedible or edible

But I love seeing their diagram

With plates under the cap

Especially when I remember

The little poem

That a Japanese poet friend sent me by mail

Before she came to visit me

Because she asked me for money

To travel and I didn't give it to her:

-“Love:

My vagina on your penis

What a splendid fan!”

So I could watch the bullfights on TV

At the Plaza de las Ventas in Madrid.

When I saw Satan's Boletes

Or Edible Boletes

I called them "The Twins"

When I saw Mucous Gomphidae

I called them "Female Sex"

When I saw Yellowish Agaricus

Green Death Caps (Amanita phalloides)

I called them "Shameless Phalluses"

When I saw Fly Agarics (Amanita muscaria)

I called them "Diana's Bath"

When I saw Chamois, Cat's Tongues

I called them the "Virgin and Child."

I followed the sound of the watercourse

Of the Valporquero stream

That crosses the caves underground.

Near the caves now

Treading on bones and skulls of wild animals

I spotted a wooden hut

With its door wide open

That seemed to me like a shepherd's shelter

Or a wealthy wo/man's sauna.

Without going around it, I entered.

And what a surprise I saw:

Buddhas, little Buddhas, and three Aztec figures.

None of them seemed like anything to me

Nor The Buddha of luck

Or the Buddha of abundance.

I think they were the possessions of a rich man

Who traveled the Buddhist route

Through India and part of Nepal

Visiting the sacred cities of Buddhism:

Lumbini, Bodhgaya, Sarnath, Kushinagar

Now forgotten.

I would have liked to see the obese bald Buddha

So I could kiss his navel.

And ask him:

-What doesn't a Buddha have on his head?

He would reply:

-Hair.

And I, happily, would say:

-Buddha, you're no fool.

I love you.

I asked him for a favor.

He turned me into a stork.

 

Lady Chatterley's Lover

 

Is my grandfather

Who adores the D. H. Lawrence’s novel

Which he always carries with him.

He's also known as "The Turnip Grandfather"

Because he has a plot of land planted entirely with turnips

Very close to the Royal Monastery of Our Lady of Fresdelval

A Hieronymite monastery founded in the 15th century

Located near the city of Burgos.

His name is Recaredo de Quintanilla Vidal

And he's very proud of the turnip

That hangs between his legs

Calling his crotch "my monastery"

Although his penis is no longer cloistered

It looks dilapidated like the Monastery itself

According to the women from the surrounding villages:

Villatoro, Quintanilla Vivar, and Villayerno Morquillas

Who have approached him to buy turnips

Because he's always seen with his turnip hanging down.

Three girls from Villatoro, friends

Who, that day

Didn't want to take a siesta in the afternoon

Conspired to teach Recaree a lesson.

They took some sticks in case they saw his turnip hanging out

And a flashlight to light their way if night fell.

Wandering around the Monastery

To find the field

Finally, they came across Recaredo, my grandfather

Who, at that very moment, was trying to put his turnip

Into a large purple onion.

-What are you doing here, Don Recaredo?

 Why aren't you taking a siesta? they asked him.

-Rather, why have you come here with those sticks

And not your mothers

Who are the ones who buy my turnips?

He answered them by asking.

Continuing:

-This onion was a gift from Our Lady of Fresdelval.

It makes me cry when I try to penetrate it

Reminding me of Juana, my Lady Charterley

From Villayerno Morquilla,

Who, here among my turnips, makes me wander

Thinking of her.

-Why don't you show us your turnip

The one the women say looks ruined

Like the Monastery itself, or a cracked nut?

Recaredo took the turnip out of the onion

Showing it to them, nice and fresh.

The girls aimed their sticks at the turnip

With the desire to hit it, exclaiming:

-Your love for Doña Juana will cost you dearly.

With a couple of blows

They brought down his erection.

They took the onion from him

Throwing it far away, towards the Monastery

While Recaredo prayed this prayer:

-Protect me, my Lady of Fresdelval

If you can protect me

For I cannot escape these women’s blows.

Then, a miracle occurred

For from a great supernatural light

Caming a beautiful, very bossy woman, Doña Juana

Who, grabbing the three girls by one leg

Banned them from the field

Ordering Recaredo to bury the turnip in the ground

And so, and there, it remained all night.

The next morning

Recaredo was seen with another purple onion between his legs

Putting up a wire fence with a gate around the field

So that no one could enter

And damage his turnip.

 

 

DANIEL DE CULLA